Never in a million years could I have guessed this would be the subject of my second blog post but yet, here we are. It has been just over a month since my mom quickly and unexpectedly passed away. For those who haven't heard the full story, the synopsis is: my mom has fought glaucoma, seizures and breast cancer in her lifetime of 64 years. She was, by no means, a perfectly healthy person. But, she was, overall, in good health. She had talked to my dad on the phone while he was at work and when he walked in the house an hour later, she had had a heart attack and passed away.
I feel like I have learned more about dealing with death in the past 33 days than my previous 33 years. No matter how many books you've read, counseling classes you've taken, or number of people you've helped get through a situation like this, the old adage, unfortunately, holds true: there is no teacher like experience. Here are seven truths that have clutched me in the past month. Most I knew on a cerebral level but they have since taken on deeper meaning.
Time stands still for those mourning.
Getting the phone call from my sister and making the 5 hour drive home in the middle of the night feels like a lifetime ago. Standing in the funeral home and choosing a casket had to have been a year ago. How has it only been 33 days? And people keep saying "Wow, it's already been a month?" and I just reply with "It's only been a month?"
It never leaves your mind.
I consider myself a very sympathetic and even empathetic person but I have been guilty of thinking "you need to try to get past this" when weeks later someone is still speaking about their deceased loved one constantly. I now understand - it's all you can think about. Sure, you might be at the lake with friends, or at the state fair watching your children enjoy Disney on Ice or in a deep conversation about politics and terrorists but at the forefront of all your thoughts is your loved one. You're in this state of always thinking "I can't believe this happened."
Observing the living parent is just as hard as losing a parent.
My parents were married 40 years. They were together twice as long as they were single. Watching my dad try to navigate through life as half a person is almost unbearable. His personality has always been care-free and easy-going. He frequently has some new joke to share and loves to make people laugh. I've not heard him laugh and have barely even seen a smile out of him in a month. I know he will slowly find himself again without her but I feel, in a sense, as if I've lost both parents. I truly believe he is doing as well as we can expect but unfortunately expectations right now are not set that high.
The "Denial Phase" should be more accurately labeled the "I can't comprehend this" phase.
Denial seems like something you choose like "I refuse to believe that she died". That is not the case. I want to believe and move on with my life but my brain simply cannot come to terms with it. I just can't make myself understand that for the first time in my life, I can't call my mom. It's ironic how it never leaves your mind but yet your mind can't come to terms with it - no matter how hard you try to understand it.
We All Handle Grief Differently.
I've been given songs to listen to and books to read and I'm appreciative of others reaching out. But I am a busy-body. If I sit still for too long, I may go into depression. So I keep busy. My family has had more activities and outings than ever before. I still feel like I'm dealing with it after everyone's bedroom lights go off but during daylight I want to keep moving.
Sometimes you start to cry.
Most often it's brought on by a song, smell, sight or thought. But sometimes you can feel like you are having a great day and things are starting to feel normal again only to find yourself bawling your eyes out 5 min later for no reason you can come up with.
Without God, family and friends, it's impossible to cope.
I have 5 siblings that are all going through this with me. I cannot imagine going through the past month without them keeping me sane and validating every feeling I've had. My husband has been understanding, loving and has not complained once even though we've eaten out every night for a month straight and the house is a disaster. Finally, I've often heard that after a couple of weeks everyone else goes back to life and the ones really hurting are left all alone. The friends that have continued to let me know they have not forgotten, that they are still praying for me, who are calling just to check in have embedded themselves further in my heart than they could ever realize.
No comments:
Post a Comment